What really happened during the Leafs and Flames talks?
It has been a long time since my furry spies have reported to me. They have had their rations cut because of it. So, I apologize for the lateness of this Maple Leafs and Flames talk. All names will be redacted for their privacy. This is all hush hush.
A couple of weeks ago, a GM contacted my little furry animals—I mean spies. At the time, my spies claim they never knew there were smart GMs. They thought they were all stupid. So they would like to apologize to Mr. Burke. They would never have spread the word that some hockey player was on the market.
Well, that being said, there had been many discussions between the Leafs and the Flames. My spies have transcribed one of the conversations that caused the trade talks to break down.
Toronto calling Flames: "Hey *****, a stupid GM told me that you lied on TV. He claims the rumors about Hamilton are true. He says you started them."
Flames: "He lies. And I have better hair than him."
Toronto GM: "At any rate, we have a counteroffer to the twenty first-round picks for Dougie Hamilton."
Burke: "What in tarnation could be better than twenty first-round picks?"
Toronto GM: "Trust me; this offer is very good. You will regret it if you discount it before even hearing it."
Burke: "Okay, I guess I am not doing my job if I don't explore our options."
Toronto GM: "First of all, we know you were not serious about the twenty picks."
Flames: "I cannot comment on that. You assume what you want to."
Toronto GM: "Well, I am going on that basis. So, that being said..."
Burke interrupts him and yells: "GET ON WITH IT! I AM A BUSY MAN!"
Toronto GM: "Okay; I think we should do this over supper. Or maybe meet in a spa."
Burke: "What spa? I urgently need to do my nails. Your treat?"
Toronto GM puts his hands over the phone and turns to talk to the Assistant GM: "We got him. Brian never turns down getting his nails done."
The Toronto GM takes his hand off the phone: "Brian, why should we pay for it?"
Burke: "Don't give me that. You want your face done as much as I want my nails done. You have been wanting to do your face for months. You have been dying to find a way to write it off.
Toronto: "How about you dying to find out how I always keep my hair in place."
Flames: "You take that back! That was spread by a stupid GM. You're just dying to know how I still have hair!"
Toronto: "So you're too cheap to pay for the spa. Well, I guess you do not get that special bonus."
Flames: "I guess everyone is going to find out you belong to the Hair for Men Club."
Toronto: "How did you find out about that? They are supposed to be discrete. I—I mean no, I don't."
Flames: "So, what was the offer anyway?"
Toronto: "I'm not telling. But I WILL you tell you the bonus. You just lost a case of Brylcreem."
Well, we can't tell you what else was said, because this is a family-friendly blog. But imagine what could have happened if someone could have compromised. I guess we will never know.