Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Breaking News: Twelve Days of Christmas for the Flames

Originally posted to Flames Jambalaya



According to my secret sources (the squirrels), Brian Burke is meeting with some of the players and coaches before the Christmas. They are trying to keep these meeting hush hush, but my sources have special ways to get into the room. Apparently, Brian is meeting with some of his favorites, asking what they want for Christmas. Burke does not want people to know he plays favorites. It is not professional to play favorites. He does not want jealousy to be an issue in the dressing room.
 
Our sources worked overtime to get this info. The problem is that they do not speak English, so some of this could be lost in translation. I will try my best to get you the full story.
 
So my squirrels—oh, I mean insiders—said Burke would only answer to ‘my true love’. He is kind of funny that way. 
 
Burke: So, Shawn, what is it do you want for Christmas?
 
Shawn Manahan: Well, Mr. Burke—
 
Burke: Excuse me? How do you address me?
 
Shawn Monahan: Are you serious? Okay then… my true love, what I want from thee is a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Okay then, get out of my office.
 
(The squirrels, have informed me Burke is never big on words; he's right to the point.)
 
Burke: Good afternoon Mark. What would you like for Christmas?
 
(Mark was kind of cocky. He looked at Burke.)
 
Mark Giordano: Not to have to call you 'my true love.' 
 
Burke picked up the phone, and next thing the squirrels saw was McGratton coming in with brass knuckles.
 
Mark changes his tune: My true love, what I want from thee is two more defensemen and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Fine, get out of my office.
 
Burke: Hey, Johnny, what do you want for Christmas? 
 
Johnny Gaudreau: My true love, what I want from thee is three snipers, two more defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree. And of course, not to have to call you ‘my true love.' 
 
Burke: Do I need to bring in Mr. McGratton?
 
Johnny ran out before Burke could get an answer from him.
 
Burke: So, Brian, what do you want for Christmas?
 
Brian McGratton: (pretending to gag) My true love, what I want from thee is to send four more players to the hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: (sweating) Please leave my office.
 
Burke: Coach, what do you want for Christmas? 
 
Coach Hartley: (while making certain finger gestures) My true love, what I want from thee is five golden Stanley Cup rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Curtis, what do want for Christmas?
 
Curtis Glencross: I am so delicate, my true love, what I want from thee is six fewer practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree. 
 
Burke: (trying to find something to throw at him, yells) Get out of my office! Dennis, what do you want for Christmas?
 
Dennis Widemen: (trying to poke his own eyes out) My true love, what I want from thee is seven more power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Kris, what do you want for Christmas?
 
Kris Russell: (choking on his words) My true love, what I want from thee is eight more block shots, seven power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Fine, get out of my office. Markus what do you want for Christmas?
 
Markus Granlund: (turning blue, holding his breath) My true love, what I want from thee is nine minutes playing time, eight block shots, seven power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Fine, get out of my office. Juri, what do you want for Christmas?
 
Juri Hudler: (while covering his ears) My true love, what I want from thee is ten more Johnny Hockeys, nine minutes playing, eight block shots, seven power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Get out of my office. What do you want for Christmas Lance?
 
Lance Bouma: (crying for being made to say the words) My true love, what I want from thee is eleven more body checks, ten Johnny Hockeys, nine minutes playing, eight block shots, seven power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Get out of my office. Jonas, what do you want for Christmas?
 
Jonas Hiller: (drinking lots of alcohol) My true love, what I want from thee is twelve more shutouts, eleven body checks, ten Johnny Hockeys, nine minutes playing, eight block shots, seven power plays, six less practices, five golden rings, four players to hospital, three snipers, two defensemen, and a Stanley Cup in a pear tree.
 
Burke: Get out of my office.
 
My wish to you is to have a safe, Merry Christmas!
 

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