The Chips are Down: A Pre-Season Guide to Surviving Hockey Night

With one week left before the season begins, I thought it would be a good idea to discuss the daily routine of a fan. Certain things must be carefully managed. A significant consideration is that you must have daily rations and supplies in place before the season begins. Of course, all financial transactions must go through the Financial Aid General Manager (FAGM), who then passes them through the Nutritional General Manager. Instead of explaining, let’s get a sneak peek at the negotiations.

The snacks

First of all, there are too many kinds of snacks to discuss. Therefore, I will limit my comments to potato chip negotiations for this post. Now you must understand that the amount of chips is not to be taken lightly. The formula to determine how many bags are required is two bags multiplied by the stress level of the game. The stress level of the game is mainly dependent on the opponent. For this example, it is the Oilers. The stress level works out to be 6.5. I round it off to 7 to make the math easier.

Before beginning negotiations, I don the required protection, including eye shield, athletic cup, and helmet.

Me:

As you know, dear, it is hockey season. We must, once again, discuss the food rations formula according to the team. I recommend mediation if negotiations go south. Singing Kumbaya together is optional.

FAGM:

And what obscure formula are you using to determine the amount of potato chips you need?

Me:

I have determined the optimum number to be two bags multiplied by the stress level, which is dependent on the opponent.

FAGM:

Who is the opponent?

Me:

The Edmonton Oilers, which causes me a stress level of 6.5.

FAGM:

So you want 13 bags of chips? That is not happening!

Me:

You are not being fair. You are a little close-minded, don’t you think, sweetie? I call for a mediator.

FAGM:

Fine, I will call my mother.

Me:

NOT FAIR. SHE WILL NOT BE UNBIASED. This protest is followed by hand gestures. Hand gestures are considered an act of war.

I did not realize what I had done until I saw the FAGM had gone into the kitchen to find the right frying pan. That gives me approximately a 10-second lead. I declare the negotiations to be on hold and run for my life. FAGM chases after me with said pan and locks the door behind me.

Negotiations on being allowed back into the house commence. The FAGM determines the fines and tariffs against me. Usually, this involves begging and flowers. I now have to wait for the Judge’s (father-in-law’s) decision. Oh no—he is a tough judge!

Maybe this hockey tradition is overrated. Or perhaps I overthink it too much. Maybe next year, I will just dip into the general slush fund.

Wait, is FAGM watching me? Am I in trouble? Who can I trust? How diabolical is she?

. 

Toronto Maple Leafs Top Six: Bold Predictions

On the assumption that the Toronto Maple Leafs are not picking up another top-six forward, I am going to try to dissect the top six. We know four of the top six slots are filled. Knies will most likely go with Matthews and Tavares with Nylander. Who are the last two forwards in the crapshoot? I can go so many different ways, I could get a headache trying to figure out which one.

I’m gonna make this quick and painless. I’m going to go with my first choice and not question it. Most likely, I’ll be wrong.

Knies and Matthews

I struggled with this because the best choice is probably the wrong one. Right now, I am pencilling in the young kid. I know a lot of people are going to shoot me down on this one, but his skills are the best fit. I am speaking of Easton Cowan. Easton has all the skills and speed, with a sneaky wrist shot.

Cowan’s hockey IQ is off the charts, and he doesn’t shy away from physical play. He is always thinking ahead, so he knows where to be. Note: If Cowan does not play the top 6, let him go down to the AHL. I feel putting him in the bottom six will not help his progress.

Nylander and Tavares

Nylander and Tavares have the perfect chemistry. What they need is someone who thinks like them and has the speed to match them. I like what I hear about Matias Maccelli. His work ethic and attitude are exactly what the doctor ordered. Matias has speed to burn and some excellent playmaking skills. He will mesh well with Nylander, and Tavares should have fun distributing the puck to these two speedsters. Macelli has some terrific passing skills and thinks on the fly. He will blossom in the Leafs’ system.

Sneaky good signing

Everyone is familiar with the duo of Woll and Stolartz. They now have a pretty good net-minder who has their backs if one goes down. The Leafs brought back Swedish prospect goalie Dennis Hildeby in an under-the-radar signing. Known for his technical skills, he uses his size to cover the net. He rarely gets caught out of the net, so he might be one of the best third-string goalies in the league. I would like to venture that he might be on a few of the teams’ wish lists in the NHL. Brad did excellent work in locking him up for the next three seasons.

Islanders at the Crossroads: Stars, Injuries, and Trades

Matthew Barzel

So, how close is Matthew Barzal to one hundred percent? With this injury, will he ever be the same again? Reports say that he won’t be the same player. Does that mean we should put him in as the second-line centre? How much can we expect from Matthew? Can we expect maybe 10 to 15 goals and 50 to 60 assists? With knee injuries, you will never know. The Isles are in a no-win position. They’re going to have to play it safe with Barzal; they’re going to have to wait for him. That will be rough. The key is Barzal’s desire to do what it takes to win.

Bo Horvat

How much extra pressure does this put on Bo Horvat? Bo is going to have to take a bigger role on this team. There is no doubt that he is going to have to be the number one centre. I can tell you this much: Bo is capable of putting in the points, and he’s a pure passer and a great skater. Bo has proven to be a clutch player. The Isles are going to be Bo’s team if they are to be successful. Is he capable of taking over this team? I think he has the talent.  

Semyon Varlamov

Semyon has to be healthy for Serokin to succeed. He could be playing 60 games. And we need the Varly of old, from back in the days when the Isles had the best goalie combo in the Division. Can Varly achieve that? So much hinges on his health. If he is 100 percent healthy, the Isles could have a deadly duo once again.

Could the Isles trade Horvat or Barzal?

With Barzal at $9.5 million, it will be tough. Mainly because no one knows his current health status. The teams don’t doubt his talent, but if he is not as mobile as he once was, that makes him a liability on the defensive side. His ability to make those tight turns and break on a loose puck is in doubt; without them, his value goes way down. The Isles would not get actual value for him, and they may have to keep some of the cap in a trade. As for Horvat, I highly doubt it. I do not think they consider that an option.

Last Word

The future is topsy-turvy in Long Island. Can Roy resolve the rift in the dressing room? Can Roy and Serokin get on the same page? And will Pageau be the third-line centre they so desperately need? There are still many questions to be answered. 

The Man Who Painted Hockey With Words: Danny Gallivan

The voices of the game: Danny Gallivan

If there is one voice I associate with the Montreal Canadiens, it is Danny Gallivan’s. He was the perfect storyteller who connected the whole story together. If I was listening to him on the radio, I could see what was happening in my head. The man was a classic play-by-play announcer. He was probably one of the best voices I’ve ever heard. I might not like the Montreal Canadiens—in fact, I hated them—but I totally respected Danny Gallivan because he was the best at what he did.

Danny spent 32 years announcing the Montreal Canadiens’ games, including 16 Stanley Cup championship seasons. Danny will always be associated with the Montreal Canadiens on Hockey Night in Canada. His voice was the picture of Montreal. His best play-by-play was probably the goal by Guy Lafleur, right after the ‘too many men on the ice’ call against the Boston Bruins.

Here’s something that I never knew: Danny announced Toronto Maple Leafs games in the mid-week games of the 1981-82 season after Foster Hewitt’s retirement. I was out of the country, so I have no idea who was doing the games back then.

Danny received the ultimate award given to play-by-play announcers, the ACTRA Sportscaster of the Year Award, in 1974. Danny was elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame in 1984.

Danny had his own language

Danny had some colourful language. No, not that kind of language! I’m talking about Gallivanisms, his personal contributions to the English language. There are many examples, but I’m going to list my two favourite sayings of Danny Gallivan.

The spinorama

The spinorama was probably one of my favourites of Danny’s terms. It was made famous by Serge Savard’s famous spin to get around the defenseman to break in on goal. I’m unsure who gained more glory for the spinorama, Savard for performing it or Danny for describing it. Because of him, the Canadian Oxford Dictionary now includes an entry for “spinarama”.

The stimulating shot

I loved this description of a shot. It perfectly described the dangerous shot. Danny always gave the perfect description of what was going on. If you were only listening to the game, you knew it would be hard, and it was precisely put exactly where it was supposed to go. I’m unsure which player inspired this term. I suspect Boom Boom Bernie Geoffrion had something to do with it. What came to my mind when I heard this term was the shot’s velocity. I was not old enough to see him play, but I knew that Bernie had the hardest shot known to man.

Last word

Danny Gallivan was a superhero. He gave me a few hours of enjoyment every night. I loved to listen to him. I miss him more every time I think of him. He was one of the highlights of my hockey childhood. He was a vital part of the great game we call hockey. A hockey hero, a hockey legend, Danny lives forever in our hearts.

Randy 

If It Takes 15 Minutes to Review, Maybe It’s a Goal

If there were a rule in the game today that drives you batty, what would it be? What rule needs to be improved for the coming season? I know a couple of mine will never be changed, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be!

Offside ruling challenges

Am I the only one fed up with this rule in the NHL Book? I suppose not the rule itself, but how it is handled. Half the time, the call is so close that they take 10-15 minutes to review it with a fine-tooth comb. If you need 10-15 minutes, then maybe it’s close enough to count. Or at least put a time limit on the process.

The other problem is teams calling a challenge on a winning goal as a last desperate move. I am okay with it if it’s close, but waiting for the mess to end when the play is not even close is frustrating. 

However, there is not much I can do about that; the rule is in place, and you can’t complain that teams are exercising their rights to use it.

Oh yes, the phantom kicking motion

I want to know how Toronto determines whether a puck is kicked in. My wife covers her ears when there’s a challenge against my team. Toronto’s inconsistency drives me nuts. Sometimes I wonder if they’re watching the same game as I am.  

The overtime experience

I hate the fact that the game can end in a shootout. A hard-fought game ending in a glorified skills competition. Maybe they could expand the overtime to seven minutes. Let the game end in a tie if it does not end. The NHL is a team game, not an individual skills competition.  

Last Word

My wife tells me they can’t hear me when I find myself yelling at the game or an official. Yet I find myself continuing to beat that horse. Maybe I should try to be more supportive? I will answer that by paraphrasing Sam Waterston: If the league is not moving forward, it is falling back.